Fighting To Be Heard
Where’s the volume control? This noise is deafening.
So many voices are talking at each other. And so many voices are not being heard. And so we speak louder and louder, yet achieve so little success. What are we doing wrong?
At first I thought it was just me, that maybe I was having trouble saying what was on my mind. But now, I’m not so sure. Because the whole world sounds like it’s talking, but no one seems to be listening.
I know we’re talking. Our lips are moving. There are even words coming out of our mouths. But somehow we don’t understand each other. Or worse, we don’t care what each other is saying.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not condemning anyone for it. In fact, I’m probably as guilty as the next. But it sure seems funny that for all our desire to connect and the lip service we give to communicating with each other, our efforts are so ineffective.
Just this morning I was sitting at Starbucks with a group of regulars where one of our friends was sharing the details of a troubled relationship. It wasn’t the first time this particular upset was discussed, for last week her other half shared his side of the story. Both spilled out their guts. Their pain cut us all to the bone. And they way they described it, both were right in their side of things.
How can both be right and everything turn out so wrong? Yet, here they are, wallowing in unhappiness. And so they remain, stuck in the middle of an untenable situation, unwilling to make the peace and unable to change things so they’ll work for both of them.
It’s not like it was a mystery why they were fighting. Each knew what the other said they wanted. But each wanted something different, and refused to accept that they couldn’t have it. Each kept repeating his or her own concerns like a broken record.
It’s like they were talking to walls, speaking but not being heard.
The rest of us aren’t much different. We fight so hard to be heard, yet no one is listening. Or at least if they are, they don’t care enough to do it our way.
I used to think the problem was that those with the quickest tongues shouted down the rest of us, seizing the floor so they could steer the conversation (and any resulting action) the way they wanted. So we fought back to keep from being trampled. And to some extent, that still happens.
But the more I look at it, the more I realize something else is going on. It’s not like we can’t get out what we want to say. There isn’t any shortage of opinions in the world. We all have one, and we’re usually able to share it, even when others try to shout us down or cut us off. However, it’s a rare day when someone else actually accepts our words on face value and says, “You know, you’re right. I’ll change my way of thinking.”
That is our Gordian knot – a problem so difficult there is no solution. At least, there’s none when playing by the rules.
We stay locked in situations where we want one thing, and someone else wants another. And unless one of us lets go of what we want, we never find a peaceful equilibrium. At worst it’s open warfare. And at best we reach an uneasy truce, giving in a little here or there until we aren’t willing to give any more. Then things blow up and its back to war, just like they did with our Starbucks friends.
Just like the commercial, we each want it our way. And we want it now. We get our minds set on something and we only see one way to get it. So that’s the way we go, setting our course for its attainment. Rarely is it the only path; it’s just the only one we choose to see.
That’s why I don’t see an answer coming any time soon, at least not while we’re blinded by our own perspectives. Filtered by our egos and desires, nothing else can get through.
What are we to do? Keep living with an ever-present tension between competing objectives, glued together by love, expediency or something in between? Is it our lot to continually test our ability to struggle in the never-never-land between our desire to have things our way and what everyone else wants for theirs?
Until we can answer this question, our lives and world will remain locked in conflict. Just as my friends remain locked in their tragedy, each deeply in love with the other. And each equally unwilling to set everything else aside to see what that love can build.
Is it any wonder none of us wants to listen? At least, not until we think it serves us to?
So many voices are talking at each other. And so many voices are not being heard. And so we speak louder and louder, yet achieve so little success. What are we doing wrong?
At first I thought it was just me, that maybe I was having trouble saying what was on my mind. But now, I’m not so sure. Because the whole world sounds like it’s talking, but no one seems to be listening.
I know we’re talking. Our lips are moving. There are even words coming out of our mouths. But somehow we don’t understand each other. Or worse, we don’t care what each other is saying.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not condemning anyone for it. In fact, I’m probably as guilty as the next. But it sure seems funny that for all our desire to connect and the lip service we give to communicating with each other, our efforts are so ineffective.
Just this morning I was sitting at Starbucks with a group of regulars where one of our friends was sharing the details of a troubled relationship. It wasn’t the first time this particular upset was discussed, for last week her other half shared his side of the story. Both spilled out their guts. Their pain cut us all to the bone. And they way they described it, both were right in their side of things.
How can both be right and everything turn out so wrong? Yet, here they are, wallowing in unhappiness. And so they remain, stuck in the middle of an untenable situation, unwilling to make the peace and unable to change things so they’ll work for both of them.
It’s not like it was a mystery why they were fighting. Each knew what the other said they wanted. But each wanted something different, and refused to accept that they couldn’t have it. Each kept repeating his or her own concerns like a broken record.
It’s like they were talking to walls, speaking but not being heard.
The rest of us aren’t much different. We fight so hard to be heard, yet no one is listening. Or at least if they are, they don’t care enough to do it our way.
I used to think the problem was that those with the quickest tongues shouted down the rest of us, seizing the floor so they could steer the conversation (and any resulting action) the way they wanted. So we fought back to keep from being trampled. And to some extent, that still happens.
But the more I look at it, the more I realize something else is going on. It’s not like we can’t get out what we want to say. There isn’t any shortage of opinions in the world. We all have one, and we’re usually able to share it, even when others try to shout us down or cut us off. However, it’s a rare day when someone else actually accepts our words on face value and says, “You know, you’re right. I’ll change my way of thinking.”
That is our Gordian knot – a problem so difficult there is no solution. At least, there’s none when playing by the rules.
We stay locked in situations where we want one thing, and someone else wants another. And unless one of us lets go of what we want, we never find a peaceful equilibrium. At worst it’s open warfare. And at best we reach an uneasy truce, giving in a little here or there until we aren’t willing to give any more. Then things blow up and its back to war, just like they did with our Starbucks friends.
Just like the commercial, we each want it our way. And we want it now. We get our minds set on something and we only see one way to get it. So that’s the way we go, setting our course for its attainment. Rarely is it the only path; it’s just the only one we choose to see.
That’s why I don’t see an answer coming any time soon, at least not while we’re blinded by our own perspectives. Filtered by our egos and desires, nothing else can get through.
What are we to do? Keep living with an ever-present tension between competing objectives, glued together by love, expediency or something in between? Is it our lot to continually test our ability to struggle in the never-never-land between our desire to have things our way and what everyone else wants for theirs?
Until we can answer this question, our lives and world will remain locked in conflict. Just as my friends remain locked in their tragedy, each deeply in love with the other. And each equally unwilling to set everything else aside to see what that love can build.
Is it any wonder none of us wants to listen? At least, not until we think it serves us to?
posted by WhisperZone @ 7:23 PM
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